TAMARA CAINER – me
MAUREEN – based on bookstore worker I know
SUSIE – bubble-headed bookshop assistant
POST OFFICE CLERK – nondescript
BOB SAMPSON – runs UK Publishing, slightly balding, well-built, early 50s
LINDA SAMPSON – Bob’s wife, beautiful blonde, slim, early 50s
MEGAN MORTIMER – editor at UK Publishing, shoulder length blonde hair, mid 20s
FRANCES HARDY – lawyer at UK Publishing, tall, willowy redhead, mid 40s
WAITRESS – nondescript
BOB – nondescript
ROSIE – nondescript
MARYLIN – nondescript
SAM CALLIS – as himself
ALEX WALKINSHAW – as himself
CHRIS SIMMONS – as himself
CHRISTOPHER FOX – as himself
ANDREW LANCEL – as himself
BEN RICHARDS – as himself
DOMINIC POWER – as himself
CALLUM STONE – SON OF GOD GORGEOUS police officer, tall, dark, blue-eyed, well built
WOMAN & CHILD – nondescript
POLICE – nondescript
PC KNIGHT – male, early 20s, nervous
PC ROLAND – female, blonde, young, inexperienced
PC DAVIES – male, nondescript
INSPECTOR DALE – male, older, steely grey eyes
AMBOS – nondescript
DOCTORS – nondescript
BARMAN – nondescript
PETER FIFER – nondescript
KATIE PRICE – as herself
SIMON COWELL – as himself
ADAM LAMBERT – as himself
RICHARD HAMMOND – as himself
JEREMY CLARKSON – as himself
JAMES MAY – as himself
DAVID TENNANT – as himself
MATT SMITH – as himself
PIERS MORGAN – as himself
TAKE THAT – as themselves
BRADLEY – hotel concierge, mid 20s, toothy grin
PORTER – nondescript
JO – nondescript
WOMAN – nondescript
HOTEL STAFF – nondescript
MIDDLE-AGED MAN – nondescript
LARRY – Chris’s work colleague
VERONICA – bitchy friend of Bob & Linda, nondescript
MELISSA & AIDEN HART – friends of Bob & Linda, nondescript
MICHAEL & MICHELLE BARRY – friends of Bob & Linda, nondescript
CHISOLM & LORETTA DIVINE – friends of Bob & Linda, nondescript
SUSANNAH – tall willowy blonde, old friend of Callum’s
ANDREW STONE – Callum’s dad, tall, broad, balding, 70s
JANICE STONE – Callum’s mum, short, 70s
LIAM & LESLIE – Callum’s brother and wife
– JENNIFER, MICHELLE – Liam’s children
MELISSA & MICHAEL – Callum’s sister and husband
– JASON, MITCHELL, SHAUN – Melissa’s children
BOB & SARAH – Callum’s uncle and aunt
DESMOND & DELILAH – Callum’s uncle and aunt, daughter of Sophie, sister to Janice
WILLIAM & DENISE – Callum’s grandparents
EDWARD & SOPHIE – Callum’s grandparents, straight-laced and old-fashioned
ARNOLD BENEDICT – judge, old friend of Callum’s, nondescript
COURT CLERK – nondescript
DICK DASTARD – nondescript
MICHAEL – runs the wedding venue, nondescript
JANE & ALAN TACTO – Tacto’s Toy Store owners, nondescript
TINA – redhead full of pep, talent co-ordinator for nightclub
ROCHELLE – blonde dancer
TIM – tall, Asian, dancer
NOELLE – dancer, nondescript
MACK – nightclub’s sound engineer
JOHNNY DEPP & PARTNER – as themselves
MICHAELANGELO TELLTORRO – dark-haired, hot, young Latino, singer and actor who lies about Jewels
MT’S MANAGER – nondescript
MT’S YOUNG MAN – hot, young
MYKONOS DJ – nondescript
CAITLIN RYAN – late 20s/early 30s, brunette, award’s night producer
STACEY – stage hand at awards, nondescript
GAVIN & ANNA – actors who win awards
UK ACTORS/ACTRESSES – as themselves/nondescript
INTERVIEWER – nondescript