TAMARA CAINER – me

MAUREEN – based on bookstore worker I know

SUSIE – bubble-headed bookshop assistant

POST OFFICE CLERK – nondescript    

BOB SAMPSON – runs UK Publishing, slightly balding, well-built, early 50s

LINDA SAMPSON – Bob’s wife, beautiful blonde, slim, early 50s

MEGAN MORTIMER – editor at UK Publishing, shoulder length blonde hair, mid 20s

FRANCES HARDY – lawyer at UK Publishing, tall, willowy redhead, mid 40s

WAITRESS – nondescript

BOB – nondescript    

ROSIE – nondescript    

MARYLIN – nondescript

SAM CALLIS – as himself      

ALEX WALKINSHAW – as himself                  

CHRIS SIMMONS – as himself

CHRISTOPHER FOX – as himself      

ANDREW LANCEL – as himself                  

BEN RICHARDS – as himself

DOMINIC POWER – as himself                  

CALLUM STONE – SON OF GOD GORGEOUS police officer, tall, dark, blue-eyed, well built      

WOMAN & CHILD – nondescript

POLICE – nondescript    

PC KNIGHT – male, early 20s, nervous           

PC ROLAND – female, blonde, young, inexperienced

PC DAVIES – male, nondescript    

INSPECTOR DALE – male, older, steely grey eyes

AMBOS – nondescript

DOCTORS – nondescript    

BARMAN – nondescript    

PETER FIFER – nondescript

KATIE PRICE – as herself

SIMON COWELL – as himself

ADAM LAMBERT – as himself

RICHARD HAMMOND – as himself

JEREMY CLARKSON – as himself      

JAMES MAY – as himself

DAVID TENNANT – as himself      

MATT SMITH – as himself      

PIERS MORGAN – as himself

TAKE THAT – as themselves

BRADLEY – hotel concierge, mid 20s, toothy grin   

PORTER – nondescript

JO – nondescript

WOMAN – nondescript    

HOTEL STAFF – nondescript

MIDDLE-AGED MAN – nondescript    

LARRY – Chris’s work colleague

VERONICA – bitchy friend of Bob & Linda, nondescript

MELISSA & AIDEN HART – friends of Bob & Linda, nondescript

MICHAEL & MICHELLE BARRY – friends of Bob & Linda, nondescript

CHISOLM & LORETTA DIVINE – friends of Bob & Linda, nondescript

SUSANNAH – tall willowy blonde, old friend of Callum’s

ANDREW STONE – Callum’s dad, tall, broad, balding, 70s

JANICE STONE – Callum’s mum, short, 70s

LIAM & LESLIE – Callum’s brother and wife

– JENNIFER, MICHELLE – Liam’s children

MELISSA & MICHAEL – Callum’s sister and husband

– JASON, MITCHELL, SHAUN – Melissa’s children       

BOB & SARAH – Callum’s uncle and aunt

DESMOND & DELILAH – Callum’s uncle and aunt, daughter of Sophie, sister to Janice

WILLIAM & DENISE – Callum’s grandparents

EDWARD & SOPHIE – Callum’s grandparents, straight-laced and old-fashioned

ARNOLD BENEDICT – judge, old friend of Callum’s, nondescript           

COURT CLERK – nondescript

DICK DASTARD – nondescript                            

MICHAEL – runs the wedding venue, nondescript

JANE & ALAN TACTO – Tacto’s Toy Store owners, nondescript

TINA – redhead full of pep, talent co-ordinator for nightclub          

ROCHELLE – blonde dancer

TIM – tall, Asian, dancer      

NOELLE – dancer, nondescript

MACK – nightclub’s sound engineer      

JOHNNY DEPP & PARTNER – as themselves

MICHAELANGELO TELLTORRO – dark-haired, hot, young Latino, singer and actor who lies about Jewels

MT’S MANAGER – nondescript

MT’S YOUNG MAN – hot, young     

MYKONOS DJ – nondescript

CAITLIN RYAN – late 20s/early 30s, brunette, award’s night producer

STACEY – stage hand at awards, nondescript      

GAVIN & ANNA – actors who win awards

UK ACTORS/ACTRESSES – as themselves/nondescript     

INTERVIEWER – nondescript